Changing Codependent Dynamics in Abusive Relationships

Many codependents have unhealthy relationships with addicts or people with mental illness. The symptoms of codependency encourage the dysfunctional relationships in the relationships that in turn increases the severity of codependency symptoms. This makes sense when we consider that codependency can be defined as well as the fact that codependents suffer from the feeling of having a “lost self,” in that their thoughts and actions revolve around someone else. Visit:-

As a result of dysfunctional parenting, codependents have lost touch with their ability to recognize their own internal signals. They’ve come to believe that they’re inferior and that what they think, feel or need is not important. This is their hidden shame. In the end, they have an underlying belief that they do not need to be loved as they are, and that they need to be able to earn it. This creates a sense of insecurity and fear of being rejected.

Codependency is a symptom of childhood, with the underlying signs of shame (including low self-esteem, depression, dependency control including caretaking, poor communication, and unbalanced boundaries. These traits create the basis for destructive relationships is explained in Conquering Shame and Codependency.

The Role Codependency in Relationships

Because many codependents have become disengaged from their feelings and feelings, the drama of having being in a connection with someone who is mentally disordered may feel stimulating or familiar if their past was similar. In addition, people who are addicted and who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) along with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often charming and romantic. They are able to seduce and shower their codependent partner with promises, compliments, and affectionate gestures. Codependents crave connections and love, and being loved can make them feel loved. But their dependency and low self-esteem make them vulnerable to being seduced, and they confuse romance with true love.

Codependents deal with the fear of rejection, criticism and abandonment by giving, understanding, pleasing,and being helpful. Their partner is the one who defines the relationship and they try to get along and maintain the relationship. They admire the narcissist’s strength confidence, conviction, and power (qualities they do not possess) and love a supportive role and feeling well taken care of. With those who suffer from addiction and BPD typically, they play the role of a helper and caretaker. To the codependent, being loved and needed is a feeling of love. It boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel confident that they won’t be forgotten. But, those who are addicted and who suffer from NPD and BPD are deeply ashamed, as they project the inner demons onto the very individual who is in love with them and trying to aid them.

The role of the codependent is reactive, which increases their attention on their partner, while they conceal who they are. They are increasingly trying to take control of the uncontrollable, lose themselves, and strive to please and get accepted. Though at first they were considered ideal, now they’re marginalized. A person with BPD vacillates between idealizing-caring behavior and devaluing the behavior of rejecting. Instead of acting needy as someone who suffers from BPD, people with NPD act needless and can be remote and emotionally cold. Certain people may be friendly towards their spouse, whereas others appear to be constantly critical and snide. If affection is stifled or not expressed the more codependents strive to win it. They fall to the temptation of giving their self-esteem and feelings of health to their spouse. They don’t feel confident enough and they are able to hide their shame.

How Abusive Relationships Worsen Codependency

This unspoken contract works for a period of time as codependents can provide security and stability for an emotional, insecure addict or partner with BPD and can provide warmth and connection to a partner with NPD. Due to their own insecurity and weak boundaries, they take on their guilt and blame and shame handed out by abusive people. They are powerless to assist and to please their partner. They are being resentful of the “mistakes” they’re accused of and angry of the fact that their efforts aren’t appreciated and fail. As the relationship gets worse, so does the codependent’s sense of self.

Every symptom of codependency contribute to the dysfunctional relationship, which should be treated as soon as it is discovered, and will get worse as time passes. Codependents are further disengaged from themselves , they enter the final stages of their health. These very qualities which made the relationship work have become the basis of the relationship’s failure.

The dynamics of toxic relationships cause codependents to feel more anxiety and increase their efforts to appease and help their codependent. The reality of an addict or personality disordered individual starts to infect the codependents’ self-concepts and perceptions of reality. They lose confidence in themselves and they feel more stressed and drained trying to abate an issue, avoid violence, and keep the codependent relationship as a unit.

In their efforts to adjust to and control another person’s behaviour to make them feel better, codependents move away from solutions that are real. They believe that they’re accountable for their partner’s emotions and needs, ignoring their own. Their actions reinforce their partner’s false belief that they’re the ones to blame and are the cause of his or her addiction and pain. The longer they continue to codepend on each other the worse the situation gets. They both hide their discomfort and hinder their partner from taking on responsibility for their own behavior, needs, and feelings and from getting assistance. This is referred to as “enabling.” Denial of codependency blinds them to reality that they’re attitudes and behaviour can cause their unhappy state and that they have options to alter their behavior.

Changing the Dynamics in Abusive Relationships

The answer lies in doing the complete opposite of what is normal to the codependent. I write from both my personal and professional experience. It’s difficult and almost impossible to change the dynamics in abusers’ relationships without help from outside.

The first and most important thing is to see another view of reality, as partners are separated and confused by the threats, attacks, and skewed reality of addicts or those with BPD and NPD. It’s important to learn all you can about addiction and diseases as well as codependency. The change process doesn’t start when partners focus on their own recovery, not in changing the other person, who they’re essentially powerless. However, that doesn’t mean they’re without power or choice, but they do have control about their choices and actions.

Understanding the concepts of dependence, BPD as well as NPD acceptance of these truths at a deep level enable them to detach and not be a victim of what someone else decides to say just because they’re uncomfortable in their own skin. They are able to recognize that even though their words may hurt, they’re not true. The process of detaching doesn’t mean leaving or staying in a secluded position. It’s as if you have an invisible shielding force field. Instead of reacting the way they do, they learn to respect the things they feel, need and desire. They seek to satisfy those desires from people who are supportive and safe. As they gain confidence in themselves they become confident. Their
The boundaries are heightened, and they ask for what they want. They also set limitations on what they are allowed to do.

It’s not easy, but their strength increases as they recover. They might become strong enough to leave or insist that our partner get treatment. If they don’t but they do discover that their lives are happier since they’ve taken control of their own self-esteem as well as feeling of wellbeing.

Parenting a Child with BPD or NPD

Because codependents lack the ability to communicate and boundaries, parents tend to react with their child’s issues in non-helpful ways. The child is used to achieving demands and taking over the show, usually without accountability. All children require rules of engagement with consistent consequences particularly those who suffer from NPD as well as BPD. Sometimes , parents explode in frustration, which makes them feel guilty and shames their child. In order to compensate, they may abandon a boundary, making things worse. Punishment and consequences should never be dealt with in anger but in a straightforward manner and, ideally, should relate to the crime; e.g., “If you throw food, you must clean it up (or leave the table).”

Children require support and have their emotions are mirrored, but not indulged. They must learn empathy as well as the impact of their behavior on others. It is important to show this behavior and be respectful of their emotions. Let them know that their actions impact others in either positive or counterproductive ways. For example: “How would it feel if your friend stole your toy)? Would you be hurt or angry? What about when your friend shares a toy? When you take your friend’s toy, he won’t want to play with you.” Children who suffer from BPD must learn self-soothing techniques and be guided to make gradual progress toward independence and self-sufficiency.

Parents often underestimate the power and leverage they can use to make their child obey, go to counseling, do their chores or look for employment. Many times, they fear that their child who has BPD will end up dying or taking suicide. These fears make them easier to manipulate. By not reacting, children will see that their manipulative tactics are no longer effective. However, it takes tremendous determination for parents to remain steadfast regardless. It’s not easy to keep cool and loving an infant who is unruly, intimidating, and making threats. External support is crucial. If addiction is a factor Find a suitable gathering for the relatives of addicts.

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